Tuesday, December 21, 2010

How Can You Become An Overachieving Drinker?

Are you already an overachieving drinker? Here is a short quiz:
  1. Do you like to drink, no matter what time of day it is?
  2. Are you able to drink, even if the night before you drank enough to kill lesser drinkers?
  3. Do you feel that hangovers are best fought with more alcohol?
  4. Do you often say, "You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning!"? Do you have that on a t-shirt or stupid hat of some sort?
  5. Is Jimmy Buffet your hero and personal savior?
  6. Have you ever thrown up on yourself, a friend, loved one or complete stranger? 
  7. Do you wake up and have no idea where you are, how you got there, or why you are naked in the street?
  8. Do you own a funnel for the sole purpose of alcohol consumption, using it for no legitimate household function whatsoever?
  9. Have you ever learned the hard way what a "drinking injury" is?
  10. And finally, do you ring in the New Year on a higher note than you rang out the old one?
If you answered "yes" to any of those questions, then you are probably pretty fun to hang out with. Unless you answered "yes" to numbers 4 or 5. Not sure how I feel about those people. And if you answered "yes" to number 6, I doubt many people invite you anywhere in the first place. Number 7...well, maybe in college. And a funnel? OK, if you are currently in college, I can see where a funnel is a requirement. Truthfully, though, if you answered "yes" to any of these questions, pretty much anyone is going to tell you to slow it down. Which is why people don't usually ask these questions, unless you are undergoing rehabilitation treatment. Because if  a family member or loved one is asking you these questions, it is called an "intervention", and you want to get the hell out of there in a hurry. Those people love you so much that they want you to completely change. Makes sense, I guess....

But seriously, if you answered "yes" to question 10, I have a beer event for you. We are planning a New Year's Day event at Deckard's American Tavern that is going to be a lot of fun. It all started with a cask of Terrapin Wake N Bake. What better day to tap it than the day it is most acceptable to start drinking right after you wake up? There will also be other "breakfast-themed" beers for you: Bell's Java Stout, Founders Breakfast Stout, and Left Hand Wake Up Dead. There is also a keg that Terrapin has been sitting on since May of 2009. It has found a home at Deckard's and will be tapped on New Year's Day: Terrapin 30 Strong, the strong ale made with 30 different ingredients for Taco Mac's 30th anniversary last year. This beer was great when it was fresh, so it should be incredible now. Pretty nice line-up if I don't say so myself.

So that is the "wake" part, but what about the "baking"?  Well, Chef Deckard will be feverishly cooking and baking while we are all waking. He is going to have traditional New Year's foods prepared with a twist, along with plenty of other brunch options. Some of these dishes will be prepared with the hungover folks in mind, so don't worry if you are a little ill. Matt will fix you up right. If you can't think about beer that early, they make killer Bloody Marys with Tito's Vodka from Texas, Old Bay seasoning and all of that kind of good stuff. Mimosas? Of course they have mimosas. So you can bring your grandma and her whole Bridge club if you like. (Note: Having never had a mimosa, I am completely unqualified to make a statement implying that  mimosa drinkers are a bunch of grannies. I hear that they are delicious. According to my grandmother anyway.) If you can only stomach coffee, they will be serving coffee from Jittery Joe's, the Athens roaster that Terrapin uses for the Wake N Bake. Probably good with Bailey's.....

Yes, Deckard's has TV's. There are two big SEC games on at 1:00 pm if you are into that kind of thing, and you will be able to watch them. I am not going to tell you the entire bowl schedule for the 2010-2011 football season. You have access to that information from other sources. I don't think you are reading this to hear about football. But if you are looking for a serious beer event on New Year's Day, I just have one question for you: Who loves you? I do. Who else thought of the tired, hungover, wore out beer freaks who have nothing to do on January 1st? Nobody. Do you want to start 2011 with your priorities straight? You do drink beer, right? Who has a cask of locally-brewed, coffee/oatmeal stout and a keg of 18 month-old rare strong ale ready to kick the new year off right? Deckard's. You're welcome.

To make 2011 your beery-est year ever, you can't wait until the new year is even one day old. Not if you plan to overachieve. Or are you an underachiever? Are you embarrassed to call yourself a beer drinker? Do you cry yourself to sleep at night wishing that you weren't such a putz? New Year's Day is about resolutions! Resolve to stop being such a putz! Resolve to drink more beer, and start achieving some reachable goals! Do you want to lose weight? That's hard. Wanna get rich? Doesn't happen overnight. Want to find true love? Keep that (cheesiness) to yourself, please. Lots of goals and "resolutions" are difficult, so why bother? I mean, is anything that's difficult even worth it? Not when you are hungover it isn't. That I know for sure. So just resolve to drink more beer next year. How hard is that? Not hard at all. How rewarding is it? Very. I should start charging for this kind of advice.

That's all I have for now. I am leaving for a while to go home, so you may not hear from me until after the "We're Waking and He's Baking" event, but I will be back for that. See you there. Festivities start at noon.

PS--For anyone sensitive to pictures of babies drinking (or in this case trying to drink) beer, relax. This is merely an allegorical representation of the baby new year showing its appreciation of beer. Or maybe it is an allegorical representation of the frightened child trapped inside you, looking for true love, only to supplant true love with alcohol abuse. You can look at it however you want. But either way, we do not advocate the consumption of alcohol by infants. They are loud enough already. Why get 'em all fired up?